In one way I've done nothing, in another I've done a great deal.
Turns out being sick can be like one long Ayahuasca ceremony.
I’ve had a chest infection. Antibiotics and all.
I’m normally in good health but I’m approaching the 3rd week of this illness.
At one point I was only sleeping 15 minutes at a time.
I’d drift off to sleep and then a breath in would feel like this guy from Iron Man 2 was whipping my throat and up into my brain.
In one way I’ve done nothing. I didn’t leave the house for 2 weeks.
Mostly just lying in bed.
But in another way I’ve done a great deal.
It’s been like one long Ayahuasca ceremony.
Here are some of the realisations that this time has facilitated..
What draws you into your body can draw you into the present. I was in too much discomfort for thoughts about the past or the future. Then the goal was to go surrender to it which was difficult. But at times I was able to feel the pain not as bad or good but just as sensations moving through the body.
When you can’t go anywhere, you can’t get away from your fears and anxieties. You have to face them. Lot’s of fears and concerns come up when you are ill and incapacitated. I felt so fragile and out of control of what was happening to me. It gave me opportunity to connect to purpose..
I do have a higher purpose.. and it’s to know myself better. It’s more important to me than rushing back to the world to do stuff. There’s often a rush to be doing things in the external world but I don’t think you find yourself there. You find yourself in spaciousness. Which lead me to contemplating…
..Everyone’s striving to get somewhere - nobody seems to know where they’re going. It seems to me that everyone is trying so hard to be enough, but they strive in ways that turn them away from themselves. It’s like they’re playing wack-a-mole with life problems rather than wondering how they ended up standing in front of the wack-a-mole machine.
This was so humbling for someone normally so healthy. What would have happened without antibiotics? It’s just mould! And it may have saved my life.
I developed an emotional stretch. Sometimes I feel a discomfort in my body and mind, a restlessness. It’s especially present when I’m sick. This was time to explore it. I found that it’s actually miss-match of energies. It’s like trying to lay still and go to sleep when part of you needs to stretch.
It often has an emotional component. eg. A moment to recognise all the fucking worrying and solving you did today. So.. Have a full body stretch and sigh or make some weird noise and release something.
A sigh can release more than a weekend away.
Think about all those sounds dogs make when they are relaxing. All good for the nervous system. It doesn’t need to make sense. This video might give you some inspiration; Husky Noises.
Damn pigeons. I was hobbling around the house wrapped in a blanket, wathcing for pigeons landing on my lawn and eating my grass seed. For a while it drew my anger. But I love that I got annoyed. That emotion gives me energy to keep checking and chasing them away. Imagine if it wasn’t grass seed but food crops I needed to survive. See! Emotion serves us. When we can appreciate our frustration and anger that’s really loving ourselves.
Lucid dreaming. When I was waking up every 15 minutes there was a blessing in disguise. I was able to do some lucid dreaming. Basically, I knew I was dreaming so I could affect my dreams.
At first I was telling everyone in my dreams to ‘fuck off!’ (due to lack of sleep) but eventually I realised that everything and everyone in my dreams is a creation by me and therefore a part of me. I became more kind. Better to embrace all parts of you right?
In the end I was able to fly and change things just by the power of my mind! I could just make buildings and mountains grow up out of the ground like a computer game. It felt very powerful and healing!
Bonus energy. I received some energy healing yesterday from Jackie (who I highly recommend). I’m not sure how it works maybe it’s to do with intention and attention but I do enjoy it. She pulled a card and it reflect what I’ve been working through.
