'A week in a coma' - Tom shares his experience

After an unexpected aneurism at only 37 years old, Tom spent 2 months in intensive care and a week in a coma. In this episode he tells us about that week and how he held on to life itself.

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TRANSCRIPT

Chris: To cut a long story short, Tom suffered an aortic aneurysm at only 37. Being otherwise healthy, this was completely unexpected. Following acute complex surgery, he ended up spending a week in an induced coma. There's a huge backstory here in how he didn't get referred to hospital by his GP, and there's the story about his recovery and how all this has affected his life in so many ways, but in this episode, we're gonna focus on some of his experiences of that week in the coma.

Chris: Hi, Tom. Thanks for sharing this with us and being here.

Tom: Hello. How you doing?

Chris: How you ended up in a coma, it's a big story in itself, but here you are. What's going through your head at this point?

Tom: I think the thing is you're going through so many departments, in so many states of consciousness that it's hard to tell what's real and what's sort of imagination. So it, I wasn't putting it immediately, but they decided to put me in an induced coma to stabilize me basically cuz I'd had cardiac arrest. I think, these, a lot of mystery surrounding comas and things like that. What sort of level of consciousness you have, what level of awareness you have in terms of the people around you and things like that.

Tom: Mine was obviously induced so I do remember things like, I remember my dad asking me to put my hand up one time or I remember squeeze in, remember doing that. I do remember music playing. There was a lot of soft rock playing. I think it was Heart FM, something like that and I remember sort of thinking, I'm not going out to this song to kind of help me in some ways. But but then as much as well as that a lot of it was to do with thoughts and not the traditional kind of step into the light kind of thing. It was a lot different. It was a lot, it was very dark. It was like a bad trip basically.

Chris: So were you aware of the room around you?

Tom: Varying degrees because if they wanted to try something now and again they'd bring you out again. So that's what I mean about how to know what reality was because I was having visualizations of being on like spare ships and being experimented on and some pretty crazy dark things.

Tom: People talk about your life flashing before your eyes when you were in these critical states, that kind of did happen. I did have visits from like people throughout my life. It was all very negative, like negative, like self-talk and like a lot of people like wanting me to die or saying that it was my time to die or saying, Just insisting that, [wow], I was done.

Chris: So these people from the past were turning up like visualizations and speaking to you and not being very nice. [Yeah]. And, yeah. Tell me a little bit more about them. You say it was groups of people?

Tom: Real people from my past, but it was never anybody who was close to me. It was not my family or anything like that. It was, I've never really had enemies, I wouldn't say. So it wasn't nobody I've ever had problems with, just people, like inconsequential people from my past. So they had no business telling me that. Why those people in particular said those things, I've got absolutely no idea, but obviously I had to find a way. It felt like that was the process and the act of death itself, that's what it felt like at the time. It felt like that was me dying. And if you check my vital signs, I would imagine at that point I was. I know that they asked my family to come in to say goodbye to me because I was critical. I would imagine at that time I was very ill while I was so I think it would coincide with the worst that I was. So it, yeah, I was being swept away to, to my end and it felt like the next page in my book, if I'd had turned the next page would've been my desk. . But I had to find a way not to turn that page and so that's what I had to do, was not let it go. It's like clinging on with your fingernails and refocusing your mind onto something and ignoring this negative talk, it's negative chatter and finding a way to it was so overwhelmingly negative that it was like, how am I gonna reposition my sort of frame of mind onto something that will get me out of this.

Tom: Cuz it was almost like peer pressure trying to convince you to die. . It was very strange, very bizarre. And and I had to say no. And it was like a case of no, I'm not going to like whether you think, believe all those things that I should die. Maybe I should, maybe you're right, but I'm not gonna, So that, that was another thing.

Tom: Yeah. Cause it was it felt like they were right and I should die, but at the same time, I'm not gonna and I had to do that by formulating like my own sort of thoughts or I managed to put myself on a rubber ring going around to water park with my kids. And I just managed to focus on that and just play it on a loop loop, loop. And just don't let, just in a cocoon keep that at bay for as long as it could.

Chris: That sounds brutal. What did you do to counteract that negativity and those feelings?

Tom: It was like, find another message. So I just locked onto my kids, like big time everything had to disappear and it was like tunnel vision. So I had to find a way to just laser focus. And it was just, my little girl at time was six months and my little boy was two so it was just me and them going around and around in a circle at a water park because I needed something that I didn't need something challenging to and complex to think about. It had to be simple and basic and positive and joyous. And that's what I managed to come up with. So we were sat on, like a figure of eight inflatable rubbering kind of thing. . And we were going around just in a circle in a water park. So that just was played and played and it was like an infinite loop and I, it was like being inside a little glass cocoon and outside it with these baying mob telling me that I'm gonna die. . And it's like I have to almost just Be in this little cocoon in my head.

Chris: So when you were having visions of people and you say they were inconsequential people from the past, was any of that rooted in, in history? Were they had they been mean to you or said negative things in the past? Or was it, do you think you'd felt that way?

Tom: Not, as individuals? I think it was just my disposition. Like, In the past

Tom: I've just had a tendency to go towards the dark side. Like I say, when I was a kid and I used to I used to get poorly, like just a fever or something like that, I used to hallucinate and sweat really bad and then whenever that happened, I would go to a dark place and that happened from being like 6, 7, 8, I remember. And to, into my teens, to, drinking and like drinking too much. If you drank too much I would go to a that place or if, had anything else and just psychologically that's where I'd often gravitate to. And so being younger, like at, in my twenties always worried about how will I ever get out of this because for a lot of people who suffer from anxiety, they think that they'll never, ever be able to master it, and they think they're stuck with it for their entire life. Yeah. And some people asked it with their entire lives. Yeah. And I, and if you it's something that needs to be challenged head on, and you need, it won't go away if you don't make it go away so you've got to find a way of conquering your anxiety and I feel like I managed to do that. I still get it sometimes, but generally speaking, I found a way to, and that's something that, I'm sure people will have experience of, but if I hadn't learned how to conquer anxiety, I think I would've struggled to have overcome this situation because I think it would've sunk me. You know what I mean? But maybe not, but who knows?

Chris: So you're talking about the dark side and having sort of dark thoughts at certain times. It is, it, is it a sort of being drawn to it? You know how they say we like horror films because it helps us deal with stuff. And we're so almost playing with that anxiety a little bit and the scares and stuff, is it are you drawn to the dark side like that, or?

Tom: No, I think it's more I think it was always self-esteem. It wasn't anything that I like, enjoyed. It was just, I suppose it was like more to do with self-esteem and confidence really. And and when you in that frame of mind, things tend, you can go one or two ways and if you are in a frame of mind, it, if you self talk is not good, then you'll go to the dark side. Do you know what I mean? , that's the way people gravitate towards. So that, it was more to do with that. So it was more revisiting, like being in that sort of coma and going to the dark side. It was a bad trip. That's what it was. . And but if you, if maybe if you have a positive disposition, which I think I am now And I think I was at the time, but it was much like going back in time a little bit. But maybe the people who see the angels and see the heaven and see the people visited from nice people, maybe they've just got a different a d disposition. So that's what I mean. Now it's interesting now, like your own brain could sink you. Yeah. And it could take you down. And so yeah, it's really interesting like that because your mind's pretty powerful really.

Chris: And you said quite, physiological, it's quite there's quite a lot going on. Do you think because it was so much trauma going on in the body, do you think that really drove some of the anxiety?

Tom: Well, The thing, the, one of the funny things is when I was actually out I think one of the consultants said to someone I think it was Amelia said that Does he suffer from anxiety and she said, Yeah. And he said it could have been his heart. So that's the other thing I'd suffered from anxiety, the doctor had asked if I did, because he said the, my heart could have been causing my anxiety. , because if you think about it, I've got a big 10 centimeter aneurism just above my aortic valve. So that's, as your heart pumps blood out, it's in that chamber there that's gonna make your heart beat faster, which is gonna make you anxious and feel anxious. So it could have been the cause of my anxiety. So people who do suffer from anxiety, who knows what the body could be trying to tell them we don't know, do we? Yeah. So that's a really interesting thing. But like the lead up to just before I actually was hospitalized I was like, I felt like I was losing my mind. So just intense, like panic. I remember sitting in the bath and not wanting to get out and just fear inexplicable fear for the unknown. I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't have pains, so it was just unease ease and now I know what it was. So it's like my body was basically telling me that I was very ill. But I didn't know why. So it's very interesting, in that sort of physiological way how that came about.

Chris: So the, so all these people from your past all this negative talk do you think in a way that kind of gave you some determination then, even though it sounded like they were telling you to die and stuff. Do you think you got anything from that?

Tom: Well, I'm still here, so in a way, but it's hard to say it because I'm still alive, but I don't know if it was as like a a mechanism for me to, to rally against. Ah, like what my insides tell me is that was just how ill I was and it, I don't think it was in reality, I don't think it was anybody wanting me to die. I think it was me dying. So I don't think it was necessarily these people who were saying it. I can think of a few of them. I don't think any of them will be today in reality. So it's nothing like that. I think it just was my body being so weak and poorly that it was dying. And and that was just me falling into this black river getting swept away to my death. And that's where it felt like, So there was no bright light. It wasn't very romantic. It was just me. Try maybe it was the struggle and the fact maybe maybe it was the fight. But they didn't at that point they'd called my family because I was gonna die. So the fact that I didn't, maybe that blackness was me clawing my way back because I was done basically. So if I'd have just died, maybe it would've been nice and white light. Because I didn't die maybe that was the struggle to not die. Who knows? I, it could have been that.

Chris: So did they feel like real, these visualizations are you really there, or?

Tom: Not necessarily real. I was aware that how it was like it was like death itself. So it was almost like if I had a given into these thoughts, I would've, I believe I would've died. So I had to find a way to.. It's like to the outside world, you, you're asleep, but inside your mind is still quite active. So if you switch your mind off in that state, I think you die. I think it felt like that's what happens. So like sleep within asleep. So if you fall asleep within that sleep, there's no waking up. That's what it felt like. So I felt like I needed to hook my mind on, hook it somewhere. Cause I was like cleaning on by my fingers. So you have to find a way to stop you. It's really strange to say, but like your mind's eye inside to stop that from closing. It felt like those old fashioned televisions when you turn it off and the little white light goes into the middle and disappears. . And I felt that little, like that little white dot in the middle and if it had flicked out, that would've been the end.

Chris: So that was like, your conscious was like just holding onto life to keep that going.

Tom: Yeah. It felt like I was on like the last page. If there was another page in my book that was when I died, so I didn't want to turn to that last page because that was it and so it was a way of preventing that really and keeping all these things at bay.

Chris: Wow. So yeah, we were saying this earlier, but it doesn't sound like in the movies at all. When people talk about angels and white light and peace, it sounds tough.

Tom: No, I can imagine for some people it maybe it is like that. I suppose it depends on, like in the past, even from being a kid, like, when I've been poorly as a kid I've had like bad sort of what's the word, hallucinations. And I've experienced these kind of weird, like bad trips kind of things throughout my life, and I think that sort of didn't help.

Tom: So that in a way I feel shows that maybe , your disposition, your natural disposition. And how much your thought goes into your physical state. I felt like I could thought my way into death. , do you know what I mean? Which is a bit of a crazy thing to say, whether that's possible or not. People will have different views on that, but it feels like two people could have been in the same situation , and depending on the frame of mind could be different outcomes. And that's what it felt like and I felt like I went to a dark place which could have ended up in sort of me trying to like, I don't want any more of this, but what I did was I was just thinking about my kids really.

Tom: And invented the scenario, just me and my kids on a water park going round and round in circles on like a lilo thing, a rubber ring kind of thing going round and round in circles. And I just pinned my mind on that because it was a positive thought. I put it on a loop, I felt like I was in a cocoon and all these negative thoughts were around me, basically telling me to die.

Tom: If I'd have succumbeded to that, I think I would've done, but because I managed to use this strategy to keep it at bay. And I think that came from, maybe, coping mechanisms from the past where I've, you learn to do these things. I think if it have been fresh to me, I think it might have been overwhelming, but I managed to find a, an avenue where I could just, it's almost like an air raid shelter and just get in there and try to weather it until eventually they put a tracheostomy in and brought me around and tried a different way. And then that was a slow ween from there and it was a different approach to the recovery, but at that time it wasn't looking promising at all. So yeah.

Tom: Did you think did at any point you think about letting go?

Tom: It's very weird because , it sounds very English, but I was paranoid about things that I might have said and to the nurses and yeah, and paranoid about being in an inconvenience and being vulnerable and like being too much trouble which sounds ridiculous when you're basically dying but you think, Oh, are they getting annoyed with me? Like so strange thoughts like that, which sounds really English, but

Chris: so thinking you might be better off going or?

Tom: No, not really but I cuz the thing was, I was like the only voice who wanted me to not die.

Tom: So like the thing was it was like it was very strange, like just an overwhelming swarm of it felt like, death as an emotion. Do you know what I mean? So if death was an emotion, that's what it was. It was like trying to take me away. And like the only thing that could stop that from happening was, I had to say no, I had to refuse it.

Chris: What was the emotion like? Was it like anxiety type feeling or?

Tom: I think I said before that it was like being washed away in, in a big black river. So it felt like I was being washed away and taken away. And and that's what all these sort of bad thoughts and like I say, I thought I was at one point I thought I was being experiment on, but like your level of consciousness in surgery I, I'll be in open heart surgery for 10 hours.

Tom: Also things like that you probably got certain levels of awareness of the, they are doing things to you cuz the doctors and stuff like that. So it's are you a little bit aware of what they're actually doing? Do you know what I mean? The impact of being on a heart lung machine for 10 hours is a long time as well. So yeah, it's, it is challenging our deal that, and that was just that little period. There was many sections to it that was just that one little period of being in coma. But then you've got the recovery outside of that, being on the trachea, which is a different story in itself, really.

Chris: Really fighting there for for survival. Was there any positive bits? Is it like, sometimes we have this idea of comas being like sleep? Was there any rest?

Tom: It definitely it like it, like you say, if you watch film and it's challenging for your family, obviously seeing you in that state, but it's this view that you're just relaxing. I don't know about, I can't speak for anybody else, but it wasn't like that. It was like a battle of the mind and it was it'd be interesting to talk to anybody else who's been in a situation, because obviously I can only speak for myself, but it, it wasn't a peaceful rest to then get the energy to get better. It was, yeah, it was it was like a bit of a battle in terms of positives and stuff like that. I think everything disappears. Everything not as important, which is a good lesson because everything fell away so you get like laser focus, which is just for me, it was just all thought about was my kids and that was something that I had to hang my sort of my.. Life on, Do you know what I mean? So I had to hang it on that because it would be interesting if I didn't have kids in night. I'm not saying that you wouldn't give up, but what would I substitute my kids for, yeah. I'd have to find something else..

Chris: And was that like, thoughts of like if I'm not around, what would that be like?

Tom: Just to keep my focus? My little girl, she's five now, but the time she was six months, my boy was two. And it was just, she was, just how cute and innocent they are and like, it's just like they made me like, they gave me something that I wouldn't have otherwise had to hold onto and but like I say, so everything else fell away and it's like things like layers peel away until they were the only things left. And it's so that was the only thing that, that kept me focused really. But then you I won't go into too much detail cause I could talk for hours, but they're the lessons that you want to learn from an experience like that, then you get, as you start to recover, over the months and years he easy to get sucked back into normality and the rat race and like the grind and forget these lessons and you have to find a way to re remind yourself where you were, because life doesn't forgive, life doesn't really care that something like that's happened to you. . So it, the lesson that you've been taught is quickly forgot because it's not really, it's so personal to you but the world's not bothered. No. So you've got to try and find a way of, using that lesson, to good effect.

Chris: And what is it you've taken away from that? From it, from experience?

Tom: Um, the thing is, that I, I don't think I, I used the lesson so, that's what I want to do now. I don't want to let it go and let slip because I feel like it was such a unique experience, what I've told you, but also things that I haven't told you. I think it was like such a unique experience that it's, it doesn't feel like something that you can let slide and it feels like something that needs, I need to Incorporate somewhere and use in my life because it's almost a blessing because I was so grateful when I was in there, I should get so emotional once, cause I was intensive care for two months and I was so grateful for the people that were looking after me. It was so emotional and I was like just looking at watching everybody and what they were doing for me. And it was so what's the word? Humbling that that you just felt overwhelmed by love for all these people that were so good to you. And so you get back into normality and you don't want to forget that you want to put that to, to use in some way. , it's

Chris: Yeah. So you're carrying something from it that not totally put into use yet, but like you can feel it coming out into the world or something happening?

Tom: I feel like I was able to manage because I've had experiences with anxiety and things in my past and coping and I suppose you could say, C B T and all that kind of stuff and I've had bushes with using those sort of techniques in the past. So that I feel like if I, maybe I had. Maybe they'd been a different outcome, but I feel like, because mentally I'd had tools that I could use to try and , so like now I feel like potentially these people who struggle, maybe are taken, it's very, it can be a very lonely place to be in, when you're recovering from something and the unknown, like especially your mind and body cuz you know, I felt like I maybe had Parkinson's or, I felt like I had more new, I was just trembling and shaking a lot and I felt I've survived all that. It was such a battle to survive and then I was worried that I had a degenerative condition cause my body just felt so ill and just felt so weak. And so it was a case of I've done all that and why did I bother? Because I'm just, I'm not gonna be well so it'd be nice to somehow support people who are suffering with trauma and who are suffering with, something like that to just know that, it is lonely, but I suppose just know that the people out there who know how they feel. You know what I mean?

Chris: Yeah. Such a unique experience for people and yeah I think you were saying earlier, you had no idea what it would be like. You think, Oh, I'll get the surgery and that's it. Yeah. But it was a lot more to it.

Tom: I think. Yeah, I think cuz it was all such a, I had a huge aism, They had to replace my aortic valve. It was a really big operation. It all happened so quick, it was acute, so I wasn't like waiting on a waiting list or anything like that. It just happened quickly. So I didn't have like loads of time to worry. But the surgeon, who was a legend he explained what they were gonna do and he was like, Oh my goodness when he explained what they were gonna do. So I thought I'll either die in surgery or I'll just recover. I wasn't really anticipating the slog of the being in intensive carefully, like two months and the stages that went through in that regard. But that's life. You've got no choice so that's the beauty of it is you've got no choice. So when, if you find yourself in a situation like that, what else can you do? , Nothing.

Chris: No. And I think you were saying earlier, About self-talk to help with difficult times in it. Will you tell us a bit about how that was?

Tom: Self-talk was, the self-talk was more, more the bad stuff. So these characters that were real people from my past, not necessarily people that I had any problems with either. Not, I didn't have any of my family or close friends saying negative things to me. More inconsequential people from school and people who I knew but weren't necessarily close to, they were just . It was just like the people see your life flashes before your eyes. It did in a air, because these people from my past came and told me.. Some decided to call me a loser or say, Yeah, you gonna die. It's your time to die. And just very horrible. It was horrible. So that was kind like the , that aspect to it. I didn't really answer in words. It was more like I say I just had to just stand up to it and think. It was more a case of having to switch off from it and think how am I gonna not do what they say? Cause it was like, it felt like a barrage of negativity.

Chris: So controlling you, your focus?

Tom: Yeah. It's more, yeah, it was more to do with focus than self talk. So like I say and I was joking before, but I mean it in a way cuz they kept local radio sessions that play the same music all the time and I could hear the music and I've got no problem with the music as such but it was just the same songs and it was like Cher and all these songs and I genuinely thought, I think I even managed to have a laugh whilst I was in that state. I thought I'm not, I'm not going down to this man. I'm not going, I'm not going out to this song. And I genuinely believe that helped me a little bit as well. Yeah. If you had to put like a song that I loved, I might have thought, Oh, you know what, I'm done. This is it. Oh, this is a nice song to go out to. Yeah. I'm not jokingly, I wouldn't have give up, but but it did feel like songs were, I won't say they were driving me mad, but maybe they contributed to saving me, but also another song line; ' Ain't if you fall, but how you rise, that says who you really are.' I played that song in my head, like round and round that line. And so I was just trying to find things like that. It was like a mantra.

Chris: Yeah. So what was the phrase again?

Tom: ' It's not if you fall, but how you rise that says who you are.' so it was a case of this can happen to anyone, out of the blue. Things can take us by surprise but, you've got to face these challenges and we'll all have challenges in different ways so, it's a case of How you meet that challenge, and, but it almost feels like I say, that was a challenge in itself but then getting back to life, it, life itself is a challenge. . So it's like trying to find that same sort of zest for not dying, put that same energy into living. Do you know what I mean? And that sounds cheesy, but cuz I feel like by surviving you only get back to zero. It's how if I, if it took such an effort to get back to zero, like how can I put that effort into thriving in life? Do you know what I mean? So I suppose that's where I feel like I'm at now and now to re think of reevaluate things and it's if you can go, you don't get any, you don't get a badge for not dying. Yeah. So it's so how can I I'm at zero now, so how can I put that level of effort that it took to not die. How can I put that into Yeah. Going forward. So I suppose that's I feel like I missed that opportunity and I'm trying to rediscover that because I think it's something that we all owe to ourselves a little bit.

Chris: Thank you very much for sharing Tom. So much to go at with your recovery and we could talk about not being that much support for people after these experiences. But yeah, we'll start there. And yeah, thank you very much for sharing.

Tom: Thank you very much.

Chris: Thanks for tuning in. And if you found it interesting, please do shat. And if you'd like to know more about my hypnotherapy problems or. Coaching or mindfulness teaching, please visit Chris hyphen walton.com.